Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
