Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
