Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
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Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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