She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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