Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
