It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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