I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
