alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
