I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
