I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
