so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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