I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
