Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
