She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
