The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
