i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
