I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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