Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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