So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
