I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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