I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dicks are not precious.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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