I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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