based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
