I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
