If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
