you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
