I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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