i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
