thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
