Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
