Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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