it wasn't lemon gatorade
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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