Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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