I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
