i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
