I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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