She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
