I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
