At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
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I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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