Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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