i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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