i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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