i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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