Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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