my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
