M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
