thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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