Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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