im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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