I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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