I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
