i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
