i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
