Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
